Mili-Wives: Coping with Loneliness

I’ll get right to it…

Building an emotional relationship with another man is what leads to cheating. That’s what sparks the fire. You gain feelings for this person and, before you know it, you start seeing your spouse in a new light; all of a sudden they don’t measure up to this new person you’ve found. You start weighing your options; comparing one with the other and wondering what could be if you went the other way…and all of this started from “harmless flirting.” I’m no expert, but take it from me and refrain from flirting.

You don’t have to avoid temptation if you don’t create a tempting situation in the first place.

Coping with Loneliness as a Military Spouse

Trust me, I get it. Your soldier works A LOT. And when they’re not working they are being called at all hours of the night, getting a bazillion work texts and, very likely, dreaming about work! They are out on deployments, missions and field activities and it gets lonely.

I also get that flirting makes one feel good about one’s self…especially if that one is a mama who normally feels pretty boring and frumpy. Every once in a while you wanna know that you still got it, right? I’ve had those moments where a man (in passing) would flirt and I’d think to myself, “Okay, so the mom jeans aren’t as lame as I thought they were.” It’s totally normal to enjoy having someone flirt with you, and perhaps, a one-time passer-by giving you a little attention is harmless. Perhaps.

But what if it’s an ongoing thing? What if it’s someone you see every single day and you are flirting with them? That is where I see a potential for cheating.

Simple things you can do to cope with loneliness

Giving decent people the benefit of the doubt, I’d like to believe that most people do not begin flirting with the intention of cheating. BUT these things happen and so I’ve got a few suggestions to help you cope with the loneliness that inevitably comes with being a military spouse.

  1. Keep the lines of communication open
    • I know. I know. This is the number one piece of advice you will hear from EVERY marriage counselor in the world. From the beginning days of my marriage, 13 years ago, the one thing I was told over and over was that I should communicate with my husband. It frustrated me because they never ONCE explained that its important for me to find out HOW my husband best communicates. So let me be the one to tell you, before you go on a talking spree, trying to force your spouse into deep conversations, find out how your loved one communicates. For instance, perhaps your husband (like every man on earth) isn’t very verbal, you could try writing him a letter.
      • However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. -Ephesians 5:33

    • In this letter you want to avoid any accusatory language, and try your best not to look back at past issues that you’re still upset about. Just be in that moment and write something that expresses your heart. I’ve personally tried this approach on multiple occasions and it worked like magic.
  2. Hold on to the romance like your marriage depends on it
    • It does. Your marriage very likely depends on it. As soon as the romance dies there’s a chance one of you will look for it with someone else. I’ll never understand why but instead of coming together to work things out, most couples simply choose to place the blame and find love in someone else. As a military spouse it’s so easy to become distant from your soldier. They’re never around. They miss amazing family milestones. They are preoccupied with work even when they’re home and it drives you crazy. I get it.
      • May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer- may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.                         – Proverbs 5:18,19

    • The answer is not to draw away from your spouse, it’s to draw closer. Write a love note and leave it in their pocket. Buy them a “just because” gift. Make them their favorite dessert after work. Run them a bath. If you have to literally plan a day to have sex then PLAN IT. If, after a while, you notice they’re not reciprocating then fine, step up and say something directly. But give it time. Military life is NOT easy. Not on you and not on your soldier either.
    • Create your happy and share it with someone you love
  3. I want you to know that this, my final tip, is the most important tip of them all. LOVE YOURSELF.
    • Seriously, read that line again and again…and again. When your spouse is distant you may start to feel unattractive. This is especially true if you’re a mother. Everyone tells you to take time for yourself but, who’s got the time? House needs cleaning, multiple kids have sports practice and after school clubs, gotta have dinner done on time, help the kids with homework and who knows what else…time for myself? How?!
    • I plan on writing a new blog post (in the very near future) about this very thing, because if you don’t know where to start you’re going to begin projecting your lowly view of yourself onto the people around you…including your spouse. It’s so important to love yourself. Say positive affirmations in the mirror. Find a scripture or 3 in the Bible about who God says you are, and say them to yourself out loud every day. Treat yourself to something you enjoy when you’ve got the time, and DON’T guilt yourself into thinking you don’t deserve it. You’ll clean the house when it’s time, but you need time to love you.

Here are a few scriptures to get you started on those positive affirmations:

A wife of noble character is worth far more than rubies. She brings her husband good, not harm all the days of her life – Proverbs 31:11,12

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come – Proverbs 31:25

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised – Proverbs 31:30

Put your hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment 

 1 Timothy 6:17b




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